Hiya,
Earlier this summer, I had a sinus infection (I know, you can see this coming). I had been feeling like roadkill for a couple of days. I was being careful of what I ate, eating little, and drinking plenty of water. Yes, the previous 'incident' left a lasting imprint on my delicate mental balance, the invisible six foot tall rabbit notwithstanding. At the slightest indication of the presence of diseased mucus, it would be expeditiously expelled; I was not taking any chances of that evil sneaking down my throat like that creature from Aliens.
Sooo, I was awakened on that fateful night around 3 AM by the physical sensation of 'BATTLE STATIONS!!!'. OK, I was surprised but I thought I had it covered. By the way I was feeling, I calculated I had approximately 300 seconds and I did not fuck around. I thought of going in the store less than a 20 second walk distant but deleted that option because the guy that works there all night sometimes locks the doors to customers during that time of night and plus, he is just plain weird-goofy and I didn't want to waste precious time in exploring that alternative. There was a place I opted for less than a 90 second drive away where I knew the woman that worked there at night. Yes, she gave me free DP and was always nice and pleasant to talk with. I brought BT online and pulled out of the lot and came to the decision that I may not have that much time. There was a place less than a 20 second drive away that I had the access codes for and chose that destination. I got through the security gates, parked BT, got out and started walking toward the door with the access code ready, all the time telling my body less than 20 seconds, just hang on! I got to the door, opened it and that's when the body said EVAC PROCEDURES INITIATED! I'm standing at the door and in the middle of the night in tank top and shorts, with no one around and bowels decide to empty...less than 10 fookin' seconds from the porcelain throne. The agony of defeat, the bitter taste of a goal almost reached, a classic coitus interruptus. Since I was wearing dark gray gym shorts that had seen better days, the...ahem...biological material had no impediments in taking full advantage of gravity and reached the surface of the planet in a a most expeditious manner, though some...material...decided to take the scenic route, down my legs and enjoy the view while it lasted. Well, there wasn't much else to do but to continue inside to clean up. As I made my way to the bathroom, my body decided that it wasn't quite finished expelling evilness from the holy temple and initiated act two of the play of degradation and humility. You got to had it to the intelligence that governs our body - it knows what it's doing. I made it to the throne and deposited what was left into the municipal sewer system which turned out to be a mere pittance compared to the volume that already passed on the way to fame and glory. As I sat there, probably six or seven kilos lighter, I was thankful that no one was working out at this hour because I would have probably had to devote time and energy to bring them back to life and I wasn't exactly the stellar image of a white knight in shining armor. Sitting there, I evaluated the situation: 1) a pile of 'material' of truly epic proportions just outside the front door of the facility 2) an unmistakable trail of 'material' that left no doubt of the destination 3) the commode is a mess due to the evilness clinging to my legs 4) shorts are unsalvageable and 5) if anyone comes into the area, I'm fucked - cops are sure to called by a babbling, hysterical human that has witnessed something beyond their experience.
I thought of two options - one being to clean myself up as best as possible and vacate quickly leaving the mess for the maintenance crew; the second one being to clean myself up and clean the facility up as best as possible which is the one I chose. Using over two rolls of TP, paper towels and the bathroom soap, I cleaned up the bathroom. Then I cleaned myself up in the sink. Yes, there was a pool just outside that was an cleanup option but I heard that people can suffer dire consequences lounging in water that has been...tainted with evil...and I didn't want that on my conscious, and there were children that came to the pool area. I don't know how long I spent but it was not a quick process putting one leg in the sink and washing all the way up and then doing the other leg. The shorts went into the trash. I used my tank top to clean up the floor - it took several trips, with the rinsing and resoaping. The...pile...just outside the door I elected to leave because I didn't have any resources left. The place had no more paper towels, only blow dryers. The tank top, no, it did not come with me. It had served me well for a long time and I wished its' swan song was a bit sweeter but it went into the trash also. I don't know how long the cleanup took but I felt like the dark underlord himself was breathing down my back but I couldn't waste time worrying nor could I hurry nor could I fret about discovery - just be efficient as possible. Yes, some people do like to get a workout in the early morning hours. After finishing, I paused for an evaluation and determined that it was the best I could do with resources at hand. At that point, it came to me that I was standing there nikked...and there was a security camera in operation...and my truck was nearly 30 meters away...and to get there I would have to walk, run, or teleport by two apartment buildings and the main entrance to the complex. Did I mention that some people like to walk their dogs early, too? Oh, how the gods must have been laughing. I hope they ruptured their holy spleen, the bitches.
I went back to check the dry sauna and steam room for any article of clothing that I could use. Sometimes, for whatever reason, people sometimes left clothing behind, for some reason but probably unlike my reason for the night. I would've used a small bra, hell, even an eye patch - but it was to no avail. Of all the times that people left said clothing or towels behind, for reasons we will not explore at this juncture, this particular situation was bereft of alternate style options. Permutations flashed through my mind with the speed of an enhanced battle management software system: 1) initiate a kinetic strike from an orbital weapons platform that I have access codes to, targeting a near area and while everyone was looking that way, run to the truck 2) employ evasive tactics if encountering any incoming traffic that might enter the complex at this ungodly hour 3) in the event I meet anyone walking their dog or coming to work out, kill them immediately.
I chose a blending of all three, minus any killing, even the dogs. I walked to BT in the quiet darkness of the early morning and did not encounter nary a soul. Maybe the gods thought I have had enough for the night. When I arrived at BT, I put on some clean clothes and drove back to the camping spot where I discovered it was 4:40 AM. Time sure flies when you are having fun. I got lucky...except for the security camera...
So there you have it and I think there is a moral somewhere in this story.
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and when you have a sinus infection, secure access to a commode with nuclear weapons if necessary.
Next time,
David
