Homeless - 58

Greetings, Earthlings,


A year...


Our planet orbits a star that is approximately 9 light minutes distant and all life is fortunate that we inhabit a region of space and time where water can exist in more that in one form especially if you are a scotch and water fan...or if your pastime involves any time of waterpipe. Our star is approximately 25,000 light years from the galactic core within the Orion spiral arm. The last time our planet was in this position in relation to the galactic core, the dinosaurs were making significant contributions to their own greenhouse problem until a big ol' mean asteroid took care of that small issue for them. Again, we are fortunate, as a species, that Sol is a long duration G-class star still enjoying its' main sequence with occasional hiccups that disrupt communication arrays and power dispersal systems as well as the more advanced cappuccino machines. Our galaxy, the Milky Way, is part of a group of galaxies that are heading toward a region of empty space that is designated the Great Attractor and will arrive there in a gazillion years. Since our planet is constantly in motion, we are never in the same place moment from moment though we adhere to the illusion of continuity via the constructs of architectural design, civilization infrastructure, societal rules, life routines and sleeping in the same truck night after night.


It's been over a year since the extravagant disco lifestyle that I currently enjoy adopted me and, as with any continued effort, it is time to pause and consider, measure and evaluate, and scratch a favorite body part or something, and devote some thought to current situation and goals, things lost or gained, future aspirations, and determine any worthwhile value for continuation, alteration or termination.


I have to say that my situation has improved in several aspects since our planet occupied this same relational position around the sun, at least at a subsistence level. I perform a function, albeit a part-time one, at a information dispersal facility where, I think, based on feedback from the environment, I perform above average...which ain't that hard, trust you me. In the past, I had to make a decision on more that one occasion to buy toothpaste, cigs or a meal - with the toothpaste winning out every time. These days I can purchase all three provided that I catch a special deal on the meal. There is adequate fuel for BT and she is cleaned on a regular basis though she could use some mechanical attention but I think that can slide for a while. I was able to replace some clothes and care for them in a socially sanctioned manner. I have access to shower facilities, hot tubs, steam rooms, workout areas, pools and a few somewhat decent people. As it turns out, all these attributes exist within a 7 kilometer radius instead of a few footsteps away. I have goals that I'm working toward, I haven't had to sell myself to medical experiments or gay biker snuff films and I've been fortunate to have a couple of benefactors who, somehow and someway, came through in the nick of time. At this point I can say...let's see...how shall I put this...oh yeah...I have been fookin' lucky!


Tobacco and alcohol usage has been drastically reduced, say around 70%, which may be a significant component to my continued existence and coupled with my workout regimen, I think I'm stronger physically than I have ever been. I haven't succumbed to hopelessness, despair, self-pity, bitterness, envy or anger and I still possess the indispensable tools for fighting the deepest, darkest evil in this section of the galaxy...namely, humor and laughter. Granted, my sense of humor may be viewed as a bit warped at times but it makes me laugh and maybe there are times it makes you laugh, too.


Another asset is that the human attributes of gratitude and patience have been become more predominant during this journey. I used to be a 'checkllist' type of human - not so much these days. In the past life, there were things to do, people to see and I torched my way through to completion. Currently, I measure every step, every action in an attempt to achieve a maximum yield with minimal resources. I lack the acumen of language to accurately convey this but there are times when you are patient and wait until you get a feeling to proceed, it seems things 'go better' or maybe 'not so bad'. As far as the extent of gratitude, I thank the spirit of the universe for giving me the day with all its' components and challenges whether things went by the numbers or there missteps at every turn.

An example of being appreciative of the small things, taking a shower in the past in preparation for the work day was an activity of rote with my mind processing the tasks and goals of the upcoming hours - meetings and preparations thereof, design requirements that needed to be translated to software, design requirements that needed further analysis, managerial drive-bys, testing and documentation considerations, does my business causal attire make me look fat or does it present me as suave and debonair and how in the hell do I exercise enough self-control to resist the urge to rip the spleen outa some idiot who knows nothing about what is going on but fouls the atmosphere when their mouth opens and has a major lip lock on the boss's ass who likes having said lips and many others on said ass. These days, I'm focused just on the shower and cleaning of the living machine I inhabit and how good it feels after a weekend of being immersed in pool water and its' contaminants. There is something to be said about the simplicity and reduction of thoughts; there may be more to be reap from the day if the eyes are not confused by thoughts. One more example is a breeze. In these parts, the high of the day is around 100 F with the low at 80 F but that low is not reached until 3 or 4 AM.The Black Thunder Hilton lacks environmental control so I'm much appreciative of a breeze that the spirit sends my way until I can go to sleep around 1 AM or later.

Maybe all the little things that a person takes for granted can lead to an element of certainty which could lead to boredom or arrogance or being a butthead. These days, I wake up in the morning and the 'days alive' counter increments by one. I make plans for the day with a heavy presence of the element of uncertainty which permeates the time with a mood of 'maybe'. From what I've read, the lack of certainty in one's life can lead to a imbalance but I know I'm as sane as I ever was thanks to the comments of my ever present friend who is a six foot tall invisible rabbit only I can see and talk with. Because of the element of uncertainty, I find myself constantly on guard with a line of bullshit ready or just being more alert than I have been in the past. I guess in the past life I was a happy-go-lucky dumbass, oblivious to the harshness of humanity or not caring. My orientation is somewhat different these days. Maybe certainty makes an individual complacent and opens the avenue to boredom, closing the mind and heart to the important things and experiencing the balm of gratitude. Maybe uncertainty reverses that learned orientation. It may be gratitude for the smallest things that greatly assists that reversal - an appreciation and recognition of the temporary things.

Aloneness - I think it would literally kill some people, those that have to have a continual connection to people via cellphone, email, daily interactions, etc. I've known some people that were on the verge of going nuts because they didn't have their cellphone or couldn't connect to their email. Being alone never did bother me - I found those times peaceful. That's not say that I don't enjoy the company of humans...or our domesticated jungle friends. My current lifestyle consists of an aloneness that is antithetical to how we are socialized and educated. I've read where solitary confinement is the worst punishment to inflict on another human but if you have a toilet, meals delivered and a place to sleep, what's the big deal? Though I would miss the pool, library, the outdoors and other things. Maybe this project and the other one keeps me with purpose, something to shoot for.

The other writing project is not proceeding as quickly as I originally envisioned due to environmental constraints but that may be a good thing. The extended time gave me an opportunity to refine and enhance existing elements as well as evaluate others that I may include. I've completed the first chapter and have several other chapters under construction of the first book. I'm writing like I designed software - if some idea doesn't come in the module I'm working on, work on another part of the program and somehow the universe will grab you and slam your head into a section of the software and say 'write this, you eeediot'. It seems that there is so far to go but a feeling keeps telling me 'get a finished product and everything else will be taken care of'. Of course, that feeling doesn't share with me how I'm going to get the resources or the people or the infrastructure to present the product to the public. There are times, I guess, you just have to believe and keep at it.

Another arena in which I've been fortunate is my physicality. I work out for the sole reason of maximum utilization of today, not tomorrow or longevity or an ego based desire. Today is the main focus...well, that and a extremely satisfying morning dump. I hope that that continues and I can endure an occasional illness that may or may not lead to another ghastly 'incident' - yes, there has been another one of those and will share more on that later. Things just seem to go better when I work out regularly. And besides, it is one of the better options that I can choose.

Transport is another item that I've been lucky with at this point. BT still looks good and is performing like a champ but she needs a bit of attention or at least I think she does. I always maintained her beyond the maintenance schedule and doted on her but I haven't been able to do that lately. Maybe it's a mental thingy on my part.


And now, having glossed over several things and omitting others, it's time to look at the scorecard at this point.

1) Slightly marginal improvements to date, at least on the linear scale. Diet alternatives are available at desired times...which means I can eat when I want just not at the 5 star locations. And there is fuel for BT despite the reaming I'm getting from Big Oil. The clothes issue seems adequate at this point


2) Health and physicality , as with all things, have a limited duration despite the denial of impending biological systems failure. Hey, exercise, diet, liposuction and pedicures can only go so far to prolong the ol' life force. Though I ingest a higher quality of food molecules on a regular basis that I have in the past year and I'm stronger than I ever was(?), I'm not exactly in the prime of life and I lack sufficient resources to address something serious. It would only take a small injury to negate the current situation and I would be joining the homeless in the downtown area, sleeping under a bridge instead of within BT.


3) Transport also has limited duration due to lack of maintenance. I've been lucky in this respect in more ways than one. Maybe I'm being anal about BT but her warp engines have been cared for more in the past than I'm able at this time. If she can just last a bit longer...


4) I have goals, visions of my future self and contributions that I think about often, mainly at the close of the day when I sitting there in the empty lot, reviewing the day and making plans for the morrow.


Conclusions:


- do not enable suicide vectors at this time which should give some solace to small nocturnal animals everywhere

- keep the sense of humor if for no other reason to make myself laugh, have gratitude and patience in all things

- progression of writing projects will...progress, if for no other reason, to give me something to aim for

- unable to recognize any other options...beyond selling myself to medical experiments



If current conditions remain constant, I can still continue the struggle until 'contract termination'

Next time,

David