Homeless - 27

Greetings Fellow Bipeds,


Hope you're doing well wherever you are. I'm wondering how that ice cream tasted. I haven't got the vibes yet of that sensory experience. Maybe soon...but you DO NOT send me a video of you savoring that treat. I will swear out a bounty on your young hide for...let's see...counting change...yep, a grand total of 82 cents...provided that I can locate a homeless hit man. Probably can Google and find one...


I got an email from the ex-neighbor who is storing three suitcases of mine in her apartment garage while I'm experiencing this ...life-stage transition...concerning her brother; he suicided. From what she told me about him, he had been suffering from depression for a number of years and she shared with me some details about him but I guess all siblings keep a list. She did say he was smart and had considerable experience and knowledge in the legal system as a lawyer but he moved back in with their mother and occasionally came out of this room. I met him once and he seemed fine to me, displaying humor and intelligence and conversationally adept. But I guess he reached his breaking point; you know, a major life decision point that all of us have but few are pressed to that distance by our destiny. And there is a part of me that wonders if it really is his fault, that the entire responsibility of such an act is all his?


So much beyond our control. I may be going out on a limb here but I think that he didn't ask for that particular life attribute; that it seems like it was a challenge inherent to his path and I'm unable to say whether his course of action was right or wrong since I now have a better appreciation of my importance in the scheme of things. We are pushed, prodded, cajoled, urged and/or commanded along a course of circumstances by unknown forces to fulfill a Cosmic Plan beyond our cognition, a goal that may or may not have the interest of our individuality reflected in those cold, uncaring calculations. Is every decision we make a reflection of our ego imposing its' will on the universe or are those decisions a reflection of those forces imposing on us the dictates of the Plan that ultimately shapes our decisions? When we make a decision, is it some self-stroking our ego performs to reassure itself that it is in control of its' destiny?

To me, for someone to suicide, they have to had lost all hope that things will get better; that the ability to love and care has lost value; that beauty and laughter has no possibility of reoccurring and the sights, tastes and smells of living will not reappear and the simple joys will not be again. Is that how it feels to suffer from depression? Is it that it's not that you don't care but that you are unable to care, that the ability is lost and only emptiness remains within?

If that's the case, who can fault such a decision by an individual in pain? For me, suicide has always been an option in the menu of life. Relax, you psych types; I know that that statement goes against current 'wisdom', that thoughts of suicide are indicative of an unbalanced mind but if an individual is pushed to that decision point and decides to end, how can it be judged as right or wrong by a mere human? Yeah, I know, there is that religious context but keep in mind that religion and science are just temporary truths, perceptual templates we employ in an attempt to reach a level of understanding and impose meaning and structure on the electromagnetic phenomena around us that our senses detect. Remember those good old days when the earth was flat and center of the universe? Or that we could eradicate the demons tormenting an individual by drilling a hole in their head?

There's a part of me that renders the act of suicide a futile gesture given the fact that we, as every other living being, are going to die anyway. It seems that condition is part of the contract of being granted life. Check out Part XXXII, Section V, Subsection XI, para CXV; "You, <insert name here>, are granted the force of life of limited duration, length confidential, that will be terminated without prior notice, i.e. - no two minute warning - at which time everything that you have gained in this life will be surrendered. No default option available". But what if the act of suicide is just one of many methods that our destiny employs to secure what was loaned to us in the first place? And consider one of the tremendous prices that has been paid to be alive; generations of parents living, struggling, enduring and finally dying to ensure the most current output of the lineage.

There has been more that one occasion since I've been navigating my current circumstances that I've contemplated my breaking point. What I'm doing now is just getting by, surviving till the next day; it's not what I consider living but there have been some good moments. Will I continue to be patient and determined and optimistic? Considering that everything is temporary, what will my decision be if faced with the question of continuing or not? I don't know and hope that my destiny doesn't press me in that direction but if it does and I do opt to call it a day, maybe the method I'll choose is to accelerate Black Thunder to her maximum speed of 160 KPH and slam into a concrete fortification with seat beat disengaged...though I don't think that little detail will make much of a difference. Let's see, living tissue traveling at 160 KPH instantly decelerated to 0 KPH. Don't think any living tissue can endure that amount of G forces and still function though it would require more than a broom and dustpan for cleanup.

And if you're thinking how can I subject BT to such abuse, ain't no way I'm leaving her behind to be piloted by some unappreciative rookie. Besides, if there is an afterlife, I'll need her for transport and a place to keep my stuff.

But I wonder... if I decide to hell with it and take a last long look at the late night sky full of stars and mystery, when I begin that last ape shit charge to meet eternity, when I'm accelerating through my terminal approach to experience perhaps the greatest mystery of all, will my survival instinct kick in at the last second to override my ego's directive? Will it have the strength to veto the ego's decision at that last moment and abort the attempt? Will some stupid cat, directed by its' own destiny, intersect my suicide vector and I swerve to miss it thus aborting my run giving time for the cops to arrive and haul me off to life in a rubber room and timely injections of Thorazine? And let's not forget those cute little jackets that they fit you with, the ones that let you hug yourself all day. Not being able to do my nails would drive me nuts.

At ease there, Sigmund, I got a few more cards left to play; at least I think I do. And I still have hope that circumstances will improve and I will become a better person for it. I'm still caring, wondering and enjoying; wanting to see the completion of my other writing project and other projects not yet started; still laughing and wanting to cook again and learn more about things, books I haven't read not yet published, learn of things not yet discovered...

For her brother, If there is an afterlife, it is my hope that he found peace and the things that he lost.

But for the foreseeable future, save me three scoops of Neapolitan ice cream and approximately 44 oz. of Dr. Pepper with some ice.

David